People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
—The Curious Savage (John Patrick)
We played AC/DC and The Cult whilst inflating a 9 foot snowman and Santa Claus which we tied up to his balcony. We drank all the whiskey, took shots of gin, and drunkenly cooked a roast chicken at 2am. We untangled christmas lights to hang across the ceiling, and danced around with tinsel crowns on our heads before I dressed up in a bizarre ostrich costume and eventually passed out in bed.
In the morning, he slept peacefully as I read the New Yorker on a rug by the balcony door, squinting desperately to catch the fine rays that crept through gaps in the blinds, choosing not to open them so as not to wake him. We ate bacon and crumpets for breakfast, and had bed-pizza for lunch. We found the psychic channel and flicked through to God TV for shits and giggles, yet despite both being hard-headed atheists, it somehow turned into a debate about the existence of the supernatural. He fixed up his bike whilst I struggled to meet deadlines I’d ditched to spend time with him, and, when we both gave up with the false concept of ‘productivity’, narrated “Man of Steel” according to our own ridiculous terms because neither of us have the patience to sit through a film so repetitive that lasts well over two hours.
And while none of this seems like much, like none of these moments were anything particularly extravagant, they were the most beautiful in their simplicity, in their tender ricocheting of glances and smiles, laughter and wonder.
Because at every moment I would look across to him, I found wonder in everything he did. And my heart beat with a dull ache, but not one of pain - one of understanding, understanding that this, this, is how it’s meant to be. How easy, and simple, and honest, and free, despite the misunderstandings of our selves.
And at every moment I would look across to him, I swallowed the desire to say, “I love you, for yourself, for your character, for your soul”.
Because I do.
I completely and utterly do.